cherubic_dreams

08 December 2009 @ 08:27 pm

when i fall, would you stop the world from spinning just for me?

last few days of practicing for region band. i guess i'm improving faster than i have since i'm so pressed on time but on the other hand, i keep messing up the simple stuff that i knew before. like.. i guess it would be cool if i made region band, but i already know that's not going to happen. XP like.. people practice for like... months for this and i'm very last minute. i mean.. i guess at this point i'm legitly doing this because i already put in so much time and semi-effort into it. plus i already paid for it. i just need figure out how im getting to jp. but i don't wanna play infront of wind ensemble on thursday or most likely friday. even though i know people couldn't care less, i still think people are going to judge me. and it's so intimidating playing infront or beast people like sumedh and parth and matt and everybody else. DX i just don't want to embarass myself. but then again, i guess on thursday i have to play infront of deenie to determine if i'm actually going to audition.

on the bright side, i'm totally not as stressed as i thought i would be. thank goodness.

i have an obsession with song lyrics. X)<3

1 comment | Leave a comment

07 December 2009 @ 06:16 pm

OMG

so i haven't been freaking out as much as i thought i would. Although I have been procrastinating on everything. =/

3-5 page essay rough draft due tomorrow. that's definitely going to keep me up tonight.

practicing for region band. i'm going to do that after i finish typing this post. im so not prepared for it. =X i'm basically cramming and seeing what happens. and i don't know. i don't even know the whole solo yet. well, i do, i just can't play it at all. =/

i can't even work on my portfolio this week. and it's due january 8th.

i don't know what i'm doing anymore. DX

Leave a comment

04 December 2009 @ 10:27 pm

next week...

I'm gonna go insane. don't be mad if I'm emotional. seriously tomorrow is going to be my last day of freedom. from Sunday-Saturday, it's going to be busy. I have a ton of crap due in English. I need to write a 3-5 page rough draft due Tuesday but I can't move on with my essay until they approve my thesis. I'm horrible at writing those. she said I'm on step one of at least a step five process. =/ and I have a vocab test of about 50+ words on Monday. plus indoor on Monday. babysitting on Tuesday. driving and winter concert on Wednesday. English kite project presentations on Thursday and Friday? plus a sequel project for English. and I need to catch up in math which I'm not so worried about. and most importantly regionbandregionbandregionband. I don't want to waste the $15 even though I already know I won't get it. I'm not necessarily worried about the actual audition. well I am, but I'm extremely nervous about playing infront of the class on Thursday or Friday. I don't want to extremely embarrass myself. =/

like... I know it might not seem like a lot, but I am so behind on region band auditions. so I'm going to be extremely irrational next week. basically, there's no time to live next week. not at all.

and I cried so many times today. not really, maybe like 2-3 times. the first time was cause I embarrassed myself in lessons. the second/third time was because of all the work due in English next week along with my extreme necessary hours of needing to practice. I'm too hard on myself and have high/low expectations. the only confidence I have in myself is that I'm confident that I will embarass myself on Thursday, Friday, and/or Saturday. I don't know why I'm doing this to myself.

and I talked on the phone with my aunt that I dislike. she told me to get an 800 on the math section for SATs like my cousin did.. thanks for putting more pressure on me. I know I won't get an 800 though.

how come the only thing I can think about this year is me being a failure?!?!?!?!?!

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Tags: via ljapp

Leave a comment

01 December 2009 @ 09:41 pm

so i love

how when i tell myself to be more positive, i end up being more pessimistic. DX what has the world come to??

4 more days until SATs. i'm pretty sure i'm going to do worse this time but me, cierra, and monton are having a study party at panera tomorrow.

11 more days until region band auditions plus "auditions" for indoor percussion. >.> not fair. i'm going to epicly fail, especially the region band audition.

24 more days until christmas. it's still not going to be the same without my sister. no waking up at three in the morning to arrange our presents. XP no waking up at 5 in the morning trying to wake our mom up so we can open our presents. no my brother and sister going to sleep while i stay up watching christmas specials on nickelodeon. no everybody else waking up at 8. christmas [along with every other family holiday] just isn't the same anymore, and i'm not really looking foward to that. =/

30/31 more days until new years/eve. i never do anything special for it so there's not really much to look foward to. =/ i wish i actually did do something though. i mean, last year i went bowling and went to friendly's. it was cold, but it was fun.

December is always depressing [for me at least]. and everybody says its so cheerful because of the holidays. well, most of the holidays are family oriented and it's hard to be cheerful when my family is slowly [but surely] falling apart. i know it's not as bad as most familys, but i guess i'm just not used to it. and obvs it had to happen my senior year when i stress over other normal senior crap; now i stress over this too.
i love how my sister doesn't want to be near us anymore and just wants to be with her boyfriend's family instead. i love how my mom tries to make us a family again but it always backfires. i love how my brother makes sarcastic remarks at my mom's attempts. i love how my mom starts yelling after my brother makes those remarks. i love the fact that my sister had no idea what time my dad comes home from work. i love the fact that my sister got caught. i love the fact my dad kicked her out. i love the fact my dad made my mom choose between working and not so my sister could live at home. i love the fact that my mom bribes my sister so she'll still like her. i love the fact that when my brother was 16, my dad told him he disgusted him. i love the fact that my brother "ran away" after that. i love the fact that my mom "blames" my sister for still being with my dad.
i just love everything.

Leave a comment

30 November 2009 @ 08:35 pm

I cried.

I didn't want to cry this season. I did a pretty beast job not crying during marching band. it's only the second practice. it's just... so frustrating when everybody around you knows what they're doing and you're just in the process of learning it. I don't know, I just feel like such a failure. I know I'm probably overreacting but I can't help the way I feel. I know I take criticism too personally. and I legit had to wear my glasses during practice because I could not see anything at all. =/

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Tags: via ljapp

1 comment | Leave a comment

29 November 2009 @ 01:11 pm

I need to stop

being so pessimistic. It's really annoying. XD please stop charlotte. X)

anyways, me and my sister got into a fight. XP
Me: What would happen if i failed my driving test? D;
Her: HA. HA. HA.
Me: At least i'm taking my test.
*she hits me*
*i hit her back*
*my mommy gives us a disappointing tsk*

^that was lame. HAHA. XPPPP

Leave a comment

27 November 2009 @ 08:40 am

Thanksgiving...

it was a bummer without my sister. Let's see.. when everybody first came me and my brother waved, and then we left to go to a room. then my stupid fuckface cousin had to follow us. then we went out to get food and went back to our room and then came back out when we said bye. yeah, my brother and i are anti-social.

so about my stupid fuckface cousin: maybe she's not that bad and i just have no patience, but then again, my brother said she was mean. haha. i wanted to stab her; she's so annoying. she kept talking about how she had the wii for a long time and we just got it august and how she has more games than us and how she has a nintendo dsi. whatever bitch, you can be a spoiled little brat while i am here not caring about what you have. and she kept poking me and trying to tickle me and fucking used me as a table. D< she kept going all up in my face and yeah... i was so happy when she left.

so no new york with fiona. =/ instead i have to go with my brother, my sister, and my mom. =/ i'd rather go with fiona, but since my sister is going to new york with us, my mom is probably going to buy my sister whatever she wants; after all, that is the only reason why she's going. =.=

i can't wait until i graduate college and have a life of my own so i don't have to deal with my whack family issues; or i can't wait until i die, whichever comes first. =]

1 comment | Leave a comment

26 November 2009 @ 05:53 pm

(no subject)

I know I have mental problems. someone please save me. I don't want to be here anymore. =/

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Tags: via ljapp

Leave a comment

24 November 2009 @ 10:29 pm

(no subject)

thank you. :)

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Tags: via ljapp

Leave a comment

23 November 2009 @ 09:51 pm

wow...

i'm really pathetic.

Leave a comment

23 November 2009 @ 06:07 pm

(no subject)

so i actually cried today. because i couldn't play a part in my region band solo right. obvs i always cry because of band. i think i'm putting too much pressure on myself, but at the same time, i'm not putting enough. i don't know whats wrong with me. i have mental issues.

Leave a comment

22 November 2009 @ 07:39 am

awww yesterday was so much fun.

What'd we do? We made brownies.X] but stupid thing had to be in the over for like.. an hour. DX while we waiting, we drew. =] i liked the way cierra drew me and i attempted to draw cierra but i only like the way her hair came up. her lips were madd whack. Then we watched a VHS tape that had Inuyasha and Cased Closed on it. We mostly watched case closed. man i miss it. THEN OMG I DIDN'T THINK WE RECORDED THE JAKOTSU/BANKOTSU MOMENT BUT WE DID AND I RECORDED IT ON MY PHONE. X) then.... we were watching Disney Channel and in the middle of camp rock, we went to the playground but my mommy said only for 10 minutes. DX but i love going to the park at night. XD then we basically just finished watching camp rock and then they left. im probably missing stuff though. =/

So open house at drexel and im probably going to leave in like... an hour. but hopefully i get to see rachel! =] that would make my day.

i drew shoes. X] and i desperately need to practice my region band solo but i suck ass. please save me. and i lied, the rutgers portfolio is due the 8th of january.

AND TODAY IS ALSO EPIC. HAPPY THREE YEAR ANNIVERSARY TO THE GREATEST HUSBAND I COULD ASK FOR, ARIEL BASSO. x)<3

Leave a comment

20 November 2009 @ 05:45 am

(no subject)

monton makes me feel so much better. :)

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Tags: via ljapp

2 comments | Leave a comment

19 November 2009 @ 05:59 pm

(no subject)

katherine just killed whatever was left of my self-esteem. i really don't think i'll get into college now because of my stupid portfolio. D<
just when i thought i had a chance at it... =/

2 comments | Leave a comment

18 November 2009 @ 04:34 pm

(no subject)

so i had a weird dream last night. I never have dreams. but its too complicated and choppy to explain. XDDD but i looked up some stuff online on some dream interpretation site because i was excited that i actually had/remembered a dream. XD
bus:To dream that you are riding a bus, implies that you are going along with the crowd. You are lacking originality and are taking no control over where your life is taking.
school bus:To see a school bus in your dream, suggests that you are about to venture on a life journey needed for your own personal growth
seafood:To see or eat seafood in your dream, indicates recognition and a merging of your spirituality with your conscious being. You are acknowledging and fulfilling the needs of your unconscious. The dream may also be a pun on "seeing food" and thus the symbolism of "food" is also applicable
boyfriend:To see your boyfriend in your dream, represents your waking relationship with him and how you feel about him.

yeah.. i found some of these really interesting. XP

region band... its less than a month away. i'm not prepared for it. i barely can play 1/4 of my solo, i can't play scales fast, my chromatics suck, and i don't even want to think about the sight reading part. =/

portfolio- my first one is due 1/23? but ms. coletto said she would help me out and that i could do it! =D she seems so nice.

indoor percussion started-ish. I played mallets and it takes me forever to memorize stuff. i can't read music and play mallets at the same time. i like... have to memorize it. I think i would've cried if it weren't for arunn. XP but i asked carlos yesterday if it was too late to want to audition for cymbals, because i was really considering doing it, but he won't let me. he was like... i would love to have you in pit. if there are 4 girls on cymbals, then there would be competition since 5 girls want to play it. boo. i wanted to spin it. XDDD

1 comment | Leave a comment

15 November 2009 @ 08:33 pm

(no subject)

i love my mommy. i really do, but there is no way in hell im going to spend the whole summer in the philippines. I know my mommys upset about ateh and everything and our family slowly falling apart but i am not going to spend the summer before i go off to college in the philippines. I haven't been there since i was 9 and i didn't exactly eat healthy there. All i ate was fast food, and only fries every day. i refuse to go. If my mommy tells me its three months, i'm gonna ask if i can only go for two weeks. i can take a plane by myself. =]

someone save me.

Leave a comment

15 November 2009 @ 04:12 pm

mental breakdown

i'm about to have one. like right now. =/

Leave a comment

15 November 2009 @ 03:41 pm

oboe

it took me four hours to draw an oboe. D; i didn't even shade it yet or anything. and i still have to draw the background thing-ish. DX i need fiona. im such an art bobo. i'm sorry.

on the other hand, i've realized it is impossible for me to practice oboe at home. So i guess i have to devote all of my time in a practice room. DX again, like i did last year. DX
i should work on the drawing soon. maybe i will at 5. i guess i should outline the oboe because i drew it so lightly and then ill start on the background-ish thing.

i really hope this is worth it. =/

Leave a comment

14 November 2009 @ 06:54 pm

(no subject)

So today i bought $50 worth of art supplies, but i forgot to buy a pencil sharpener. =.= i'm scared that i won't finish my portfolio or if i do finish it, i won't get accepted anywhere with it. But i just found out that my first portfolio is due 1/23 so at least I have winter break to do it. i need to start it like... now. like... i can imagine what i want to draw or color and stuff, but with actually putting it on paper, i blank out. DX

COLLEGE IS GOING TO KILL ME. I CAN FEEL IT.

2 comments | Leave a comment

13 November 2009 @ 07:02 pm

(no subject)

i tried to post something but it didn't work and i'm too lazy to retype all of it. basically, ineed to practice for region band because i suck even though i know i won't make it, do portfolio and buy art supplies, and yeah.

Leave a comment

Advertisement

Advertisement